Directions and Dishwashers
by Peary Perry
upon which section of the newspaper you read on any given day, youíll
find that the current estimate of the age of the universe is somewhere
between 14 and 16.5 billion years.
As I recall, several years ago, that estimate was along the lines
of some 4 or 5 billion years ago, seems they must have found some
new data that made them change their minds. Of course, it could just
be some sort of mathematical error, perhaps a misplaced decimal that
could account for this slight deviation.
In any event it constantly amazes me that the numbers just keep climbing
higher and higher as the years go by. Before long, it may come as
no big shock to anyone that the universe is close to a trillion years
old. Who really knows?
My point is to simply illustrate the fact that we may never know any
more about how the whole thing got started in the first place and
where it all might end up. Iíve always thought itís simply too large
of a problem for any of us to comprehend. As in when you got to the
very end of space, whatís on the other side? Or what was here before
anything else was?
Having said all of thisÖ let me get to the crux of this weeks column
which is simply that I believe the theory of evolution is just pure
bunk. No matter what science or the stars tell us, I cannot believe
that we started out as some simple one celled creatures who got flung
up onto some muddy shore and then started walking, cooking and building
computers after only a few millions years.
If and I mean if, we were to have developed along these lines, then
it occurs to me that we should have evolved into just one species
and one sex, not the two that we presently have in our inventory.
It makes logical sense to me that mankind (no offense to women) should
have just plodded along for millions of years while developing the
skills and techniques necessary to reproduce and survive by oneself
rather than needing two separate organisms. At what point in history
did nature decide that we needed both a male and a female to survive?
Why not just one or the other?
Besides, if we are to truly believe in evolution, then it would certainly
seem to me that the two sexes would be more alike than they would
be different. If we are to believe that two species evolved over a
period of millions of years, then shouldnít they be more similar?
Here are two very good examples of this element of being dissimilar.
Directions - We all know that men will not, or can not stop and ask
for directions. To do so would admit that they are lost or at least
confused and donít really know where they are or which way to go.
This is a trait handed down for generations and is in their genetic
code. This code is as difficult to break as it is to ask a male to
stop watching sports or belching after they drink several beers. These
are simple rules of nature. Women on the other hand, will stop every
half mile to ask if they are going in the right direction. They are
unable to comprehend the shame in this and do so in complete innocence.
An entire industry of service station attendants has been wiped out
due to this practice. Service station owners across the world saw
how much time giving directions to damsels in distress cost them in
terms of lost productivity that they eliminated the positions altogether
and substituted one person locked inside of a bulletproof cubical.
I can only guess that God has a very big hand in this since he seemed
to condone this type of activity in the first place by using Moses
to lead the Nation of Israel out of Egypt where they wandered around
for forty years. If God had assigned the navigational duties to Mosesí
wife, they would have made the promise land in about two weeks.
Loading the dishwasher - this appliance has probably causes more in
home arguments than any other labor saving device invented. Men want
to load that sucker up with everything dirty. Isnít it called a DISH
WASHER? In any order, regarding of shape or size. We like to hide
stuff, just to see if it will come out clean. Women have a mental
aversion to random loading and follow a plan that would do justice
to someone putting cargo on a ship or airplane for the first time.
A place for everything and everything in its place. Dish, dish, dish,
saucer, saucer, saucer, cup, cup, cupÖ.knives, forks and spoons all
in order. Do not ever put a plastic glass on the bottom shelf. Men
want to test the hardness of the plastic to see if it can take the
heat and still come out looking like a drinking glass.
Now, while youíre sitting there laughing at what Iíve just written,
think back to what I said earlier. How can two species evolve at the
same rate of maturity, but with such completely different concepts
of common problems?
I bet there is some huge amount of grant money to study this if I
could just figure out how to write the grant proposal.
Iíd ask my wife, but then Iíd have to admit I donít know how.
© Peary Perry
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