feel fairly certain that in the distant future archeologists will start to uncover
massive buildings around this country and the news of the day will go something
(AP) Texas….scientists today uncovered what appears to be a
large edifice containing hundreds of machines designed for torture. The building
in what used to be part of a city called…Auusstin (sp) was found by national construction
workers as they started to lay the foundations for the new regional spaceport
which will be used for the new ferry service to Mars. Workers who were interviewed
on the job site stated that their initial inspections revealed not only machines
of every shape and description but also ancient drawings of various body parts
these machines were designed to torture. Investigations by the National Police
Agency (NPA) also found a list of other such operations in the same local area.
Officials are using the latest ground based radar units to try and locate these
sites as well. This is being done to determine if they still exist and if they
could be excavated for future study. Federal officials have made the preliminary
determination that these locations were used by various political factions (under
the old form of government) to extract not only information but to coerce the
citizens into changing their ‘votes’ in upcoming elections for their leaders.
Government leaders are asking for funds for a national torture museum to house
By now, you’re probably wondering what the dickens I’m talking
about. Well, these building aren’t torture chambers at all, just the local health
clubs we have scattered around our country. But imagine what would happen if someone
found one of these that had been hidden for hundreds or thousands of years….what
would they think? It isn’t hard to envision future scientists pouring over the
various pieces of equipment and trying to formulate an idea about their intended
use. These machines aren’t for sissies.
The health club I belong to has
a machine for everything you could imagine (and some I can’t imagine) to push,
pull, stretch and pound almost any part of your body you can think of. So far
I haven’t found anything to improve my ears, but then again I haven’t finished
looking around the place. At first I was curious as to why almost everyone wore
earphones and was listening to music or some audio book while they exerted themselves.
After several sessions where I was subjected to grown men and women crying in
agony and pain, I brought mine with me as well. Now I just step over their prostrate
bodies while listening to Elvis croon out ... ‘Don’t be cruel’ or Beethoven’s
Fifth turned up as loud as I can stand it.
In spite of the hurt and pain,
I do enjoy this place much better than others in the past. I do wish their trainers
and employees would be kind enough to leave me alone and not make comments as
they pass me such as … ‘tsk, tsk’ or snicker. I can’t stand anyone to snicker
when I’m lifting weights. So what if it’s only twenty pounds, you have to start
somewhere, don’t you? Olympic contenders had to pace themselves, why shouldn’t
I do the same? Of course pacing yourself often means doing more than reading the
instruction labels on the exercise machines, I think you need to actually use
them to derive any true benefit, but I could be wrong. I’ll let you know when
I find out.
Everyone has heard that old saw about… if I had known I was
going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself. Well, that’s
certainly true in my case, but I feel it’s never too late to start. I watch these
guys playing pro football and know that if someone fell on top of me or I got
hit like they do, I would surely die on the spot. At any given time parts of my
body are in perpetual rehabilitation, some days both legs hurt, the next day my
shoulder is killing me, and then it might be one of my arms or back. I can never
seem to feel good in all of my places at one time. I keep wondering if I can get
it all together before it all falls apart.
once said… “Rest is rust…”. He was a prophet as far as I’m concerned. I wonder
if he worked out? Probably not…
© Peary Perry
From North America -
January 19, 2010 column
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers
…complaints go nowhere….