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Texas : Features : Columns : Letters From North America :

A Letter to Her Majesty

by Peary Perry
Peary Perry

To: Queen Elizabeth, Queen of England

Re: Household repairs

Dear Queen:
By all current accounts, I know you are in dire straits and in need of some advice on how to come up with the moola (American for dollars) necessary to keep you living in the style you have become accustomed to as well as giving you enough to make some long overdue repairs to your palaces.

Weíve been reading about the fact that some of your residences havenít been updated in over fifty years. The reports Iíve read say the wiring is bad, the roofs leak and a lot of the rooms need painting and redecorating. One report says that your rooms havenít been redecorated since your father died, which was sometimes back in the fifties, if I recall correctly.

I am appalled. I am shocked.

Even though you are currently receiving over eighty three million a year to keep up your current lifestyle, in todayís troubled economic times, that just wonít cut it will it? I mean, eighty three million a year just isnít what it used to be, is it? I was also outraged to find that your annual maintenance budget of thirty million dollars hasnít been changed in over fifteen years. Obviously the people who oversee your spending havenít priced yard men lately.

Well, I am the answer to your problems. I am here to help you through these trying times and to get you back on the track to health, wealth and financial stability.

Before I get into how we can pay for all of your much needed repairs, I want to give you a few words of advice.

Warranties.

Since you folks live in those big old houses of yours for centuries at a time, Iíd recommend you not even look at any contractor who doesnít offer you a lifetime warranty. I donít know who built Buckingham Palace, but if one of your ancestors had gotten a lifetime warranty, you wouldnít be having this problem with the roof. Same goes for the plumbing. The wiring is a little different since it didnít come with the house in the first place. Still I would look into some type of extended warranty package, if I were you. Oh, and be sure you get them to install internet service and wireless, the next King will thank you for doing so.

Now about raising money. Take a look at how we get corporate sponsors for racecars in this country. Virtually every inch of their cars have some sort of logo or corporate emblem plastered onto them. The driver as well as the pit crews (the guys who change the tires and put gas in the race car) wear uniforms that have advertising on them as well.

Think about this. How many people look at those guards you have in front of your place every day of the year? All of those tourists from all over the world take pictures and videos and send them back to their friends. Iíd slap some internet or dot.com sites on the front of those red jackets or those bearskin helmets and you could be raking in some serious money. I bet Google.com or GoDaddy.com would grab those spots up the day you offered them. Same goes for those mounted cavalry horses. Plenty of places for advertising on those horse blankets. I know you havenít ever thought of using that big old gold carriage of yours as a way to advertise, but Iíd be willing to bet some beer company would pay a pretty penny to have their logo on the doors. Companies like Budweiser and Coca-Cola are constantly looking for ways to get their names out in front of the public. The cars you drive as well as those carriages are a perfect place for their corporate logos.

Think about it.

Youíd want to stick with something nice and tasteful such as Nike. Iíd shy away from Cialis or Viagra.

Another way for you to bring in some bucks would be to auction off some of your clothes. Iíve never seen you in the same outfit twice and you always wear a hat. You could put those things up for sale on E-Bay and they would fly out the door faster than you could say something likeÖ.. ďGood golly, King HenryĒ or something else that rhymes.

I realize you are going on eighty three and probably set in your ways, but why not rent those tennis courts and swimming pools out by the hour? Iíd bet there are a lot of folks close to where some of your places are that would love to have a nice quiet place to swim a few laps and lob a few balls. I bet you hardly ever use them anymore yourself.

Well, thatís about all Iíve got at this time, but Iíll write more when I think of some other options. Oh, one more before I forgetÖ..cell phone antennas, big moneyÖput them on your roofs, hardly ever notice them, they bring in lots of cash.

I hope these few words are of service to you. Let me know if you want the names of some good contractors. I can fix you up. They do lifetime warranties.


© Peary Perry
Letters From North America
July 17, 2008 column
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers
Comments go to pperry@austin.rr.com

 
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