From North America
by Peary Perry
for Newly Weds
time fathers-to-be often approach me with questions on how to handle their very
pregnant wives. The first thing I tell them is to keep repeating over and over…."You
are so beautiful…. You are so beautiful…."
to me there should be a law requiring all newly married couples to attend some
sort of sensitivity training. In my opinion, we need to do a better job of teaching
these youngsters what to watch for as they progress through their married lives.
public and private schools do an inadequate job of preparing the youth of today
for the responsibilities associated with the complexities of married and family
a long time married father and husband I get called on fairly often to mediate,
if you will, on certain matters as they arise concerning issues which seem to
confound the members of today's modern families.
For example, first time
fathers-to-be often approach me with questions on how to handle their very pregnant
wives. The first thing I tell them is to keep repeating over and over…."You are
so beautiful…. You are so beautiful…." Do not under any circumstances, no matter
how many times you are asked…ever, ever mention anything about their shape or
weight gain. This is tantamount to a declaration of war. Just wear a grin and
smile, it will soon be over and you don't want to say something she will remember
for the rest of your married lives.
Trust me on this. Do not mumble or
mutter. Even if you are mumbling to yourself, she will think you are saying something
about the way she looks and you will be guilty by association. This is not good.
You have to realize that at this point in time, their hormones are going bonkers.
In the space of fifteen seconds they can go from euphoria to blue funk depression
and back again for no reason other than something as simple as your asking…"Do
you want an ice cream?"
Jokes are out. Do you hear me? Jokes are out.
You cannot joke around during these nine months. You must not make any snide remarks,
no matter how innocent about someone being overweight or unattractive. This is
a subconscious psychological indicator to her that YOU think SHE is overweight
and unattractive. If you talk in your sleep, stick a sock in your mouth or do
something to prevent you from speaking out during these trying times. She will
hear ever word, every syllable and remember everything you said during the night.
You will be held accountable for it at some time in the future. Perhaps not the
next day but soon, very soon. At that time she will ask what you meant when you
said the words…."Look, it's a rat." four months ago…in her mind the word rat rhymes
with fat and therefore she knows what you were dreaming about. Don't deny it,
just apologize and keep saying over and over…"You're so beautiful…." You might
need flowers for something like this. You might consider a part time job at a
florist so you can get the discounts.
the baby arrives, prepare yourself for a new culture. First off, grown women revert
to a persona that men cannot identify with after the baby is born. You will notice
that each noun will be preceded with the word 'little'. As an example, "Oh, look
at her little feet…or her little eyes… or isn't that the cutest little outfit?"
Everything for the next ten years will be 'little'.
You will need more
closet space. Lots more. Get prepared. For the first year or so, babies can't
get up and do very much on their own so a minimum of clothes are needed. That's
my opinion if you ask me, but then again no one asked me. So what happens? The
baby gets this tremendous load of 'little' pants, shirts, blouses and something
called rompers. If they started working in a mine at the age of six months and
changed into a new outfit a day, it would still take them years to run out of
new things to wear.
These small newly minted humans cannot walk, but tell
that to the shoe makers and baby stores. They have 'little' jogging shoes, 'little'
dress shoes, 'little' tennis shoes. It would make sense to me to make these out
of paper or cardboard. I can't understand why they even have soles on them since
the kid can't walk anyway, so why make them out of leather?… they won't ever hit
the ground. Don't try to persuade your wife that a new baby does not need expensive
leather shoes. THIS IS A BIG NO NO. For the sake of your marriage, treat the pair
your child was wearing when they made their first step as if they were gold. Don't
lose them. You will regret it if you do so. Your wife needs to be able to put
her finger on those shoes when she is ninety years old. This action is also not
able to be understood by men, so don't even try it.
You will also be subjected
to a phenomenon called a 'shower'. Now contrary to what you might think this isn't
a ritualistic bath, but a sort of party where you might be asked to leave. Act
shocked and hurt, but leave anyway. Trust me on this. If you are asked to stay,
make certain there will be other male friends in captivity as well. Otherwise
you may have to put up with several hours of women discussing 'little' articles
of clothing as well as speaking in a tone of voice several octaves higher than
normal. I cannot explain this, but have observed it many times and am always amazed
at how perfectly grown young and old women revert to a foreign language when it
comes to talking to a new baby.
So, to sum it all up. Do not hum or mumble.
Do not comment on other people and the way they look. Act shocked when you are
asked to be gone during the shower. Be prepared to build or buy a larger house
'for the children'. Get another better paying job since you will need it for all
of those 'little' shoes which cost as much as those you are currently wearing.
time we'll take a look at how women react to men and some of their (men's) strange
© Peary Perry
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