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  Texas : Features : Humor

Antique Dealers as Immortals

by Tim Buktu

We became curious about antique dealers years ago when we saw the movie "The Highlander" and agreed with the premise that immortal people would find this profession an excellent "cover". We also started noticing certain characteristics that many antique dealers have in common, the paramount one being patience. We visited the Texas Escapes dayroom to see who was available for assignment and found only our geography editor, Tim Buktu. He was adding newly-formed republics to his 1919 hardwood globe, bringing it up to date with our Myrna Loy calendar of 1929. We had him sign for his pencil and pad and told him to be back by five the next day. The following is what he was able to uncover. - Editor



First of all, if antique dealers are immortal, they're not telling anyone. If they did, It would cause a panic and some yahoo would probably shoot them to see if it was true. Even if they didn't die, it would still hurt like the Dickens. We can understand why they wouldn't appear on Jerry Springer.

Secondly, yes, they are patient. They have to be. I also learned that they do not hear the words: " Hey, we had one of those!" Hearing variations of this phrase a zillion times has burned out the receptors in their anvils and stirrups or boots and saddles or whatever those things are in your ear. You can shout it at the top of your lungs with spittle flying from your mouth and they won't look up from their 1836 Almanac.

Thirdly, they don't keep regular hours, so that helps the immortal theory. You never know what kind of time-travel or immortal mischef they're engaging in while you're at work.

Their encyclopedic knowledge of antiques, poor driving skills, and the fact that their clothes are usually out of fashion, all indicate that this "immortal thing" just might be true. If you return your Alamo relic because you doubt its authenticity and they bring it back signed: "Best Wishes, Bill Travis," then you have a right to suspect them.

I visited Old Bank Antiques in Flatonia, Merle's Shoppe at Alum Creek Antiques in Bastrop and Royal's Antiques in Lockhart in compiling this story. If you suspect your favorite Antique Dealer is immortal consult our Top Ten Ways to Tell If Your Antique Dealer is An Immortal.

- Tim Buktu, Geography Editor

John Troesser



 
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This page last modified: February 10, 2006