it's that time again when I reminisce about the important events
that have transpired over the past 12 months, like how in the world
I grew so much ear hair in one year. My elders have often told me
how fast time flies, but I never really believed them until I began
to feel like I was shaving about every 30 minutes. Now, another
year has already come and gone, and I still haven't found time to
teach our pets to use the toilet or develop a vaccine for love handles.
And speaking of vaccines, the COVID-19 shot, jab, dose, puncture,
skewering, or whatever you want to call it (and still get censored
on Facebook), has really been the story of 2021. In fact, thanks
to the Covid-19 vaccine, we now have another controversial topic
to avoid discussing at our family gatheringsalong with politics,
religion and the correct pronouns to use for that emu in the Liberty
Mutual Insurance commercials.
Actually, though, I've been quite open with friends and loved ones
about my willingness to have not one, not two, but three COVID-19
vaccine dosesand I still haven't grown a second head. I'm
even willing to take an additional Sonic Route 44-dose of the vaccine
if it will help bring this pandemic to an end and get Dr. Fauci
off of television so he can spend more time at home arguing with
his wife about where to go out to eat.
Along with the ongoing pandemic, this year has brought us a new
U.S. President, who, like his predecessors, is loved by some of
the American people, while the others refer to him using shocking
obscenitieslike "Brandon." I guess Brandon will now go the
way of other perfectly good baby names like Karen, Thanos and Omicron.
But let's move on to more fascinating and consequential matters
than the U.S. Presidency and the global pandemic. In 2021, my family
life was full of change and personal growthand not just for
my love handles.
Our eldest and most expensive daughter began her freshman year of
college, meaning that, along with her challenging academic pursuits,
she's learning important independent life skills, mainly how to
spend our money at a distance.
Our middle daughter is now in her senior year of high school. She
is currently unsure about her future college major, but based on
her teenage years so far, we're thinking she may be leaning toward
something in the boyfriend arts, hopefully with a minor in breaking
up with doofuses.
Our youngest daughter is now 15 years old and keeps pestering me
to give her driving lessons. I've assured her that I'll begin her
driver training as soon as Amazon Prime delivers our new body armor
and M1 Abrams Tank.
Seriously, though, we're very proud of all three of our daughters,
and we can't wait to experience the surprises they have in store
for us and our blood pressure in 2022.
Whatever happens in the coming year, I choose to look forward to
it with hope for renewal and faith that God is ultimately in charge.
My prayer is that in the next 12 months, He will lead us out of
this pandemic, bestow His richest blessings upon us, and help us
to become better humanslove handles and all.