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 Texas : Features : Columns : "The Girl Detective's Theory of Everything"

Sabotage

by Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal
Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal

By the time you read this the wedding we have been planning and working toward for the last nine months will be all over. The bride is doing fine as I write this two days before the ceremony. She is calm and happy and pleased with everything. Her complexion is clear, her hair is shiny, sheís always smiling and her gown fits perfectly. The rest of the family? Not so good. I mean, weíre happy. Very happy. But we seem to be doing our level best to make sure that the wedding pictures containing family members will end up in somebodyís email entitled "More Awkward Family Pictures."

I did my part by coloring my hair. Like everything else my timing was carefully planned. I wanted to color it early enough that it would have time to mellow out, but late enough that I would not have visible roots. I had it down to the day and minute. I thought I was careful to choose the same color as last time which was "Inoffensive Mousy Brown". My favorite. But, as you have read before, I goofed somehow and ended up with "Catsup Mixed With Worcestershire Sauce." But itís okay. Nobody will be looking at me anyway. Although I might be hard to miss because I have gained 10 pounds in the past two weeks. I didnít really know that weight gain that fast was possible, but evidently it is.

Andy has been working on his teenage skin issues. He normally ignores his skin and has the dewy, velvety complexion of an apricot (only not orange) with just a couple of little spots. In an attempt to avoid having any spots at all he has been applying some type of anti-zit goo which has caused him to break out like a cranberry muffin. Donít tell him I said so. If he groans when I compare him to an apricot, imagine what heíd do if he heard the muffin comparison.

David has been growing out his beard and moustache in some kind of a modified ZZ Top kind of thing. With wax. I mentioned the possibility of a shave or at least a trim and he informed me that his facial hair is "just getting good."

Then thereís Sarah, the Maid of Honor. She was doing fine. Her hair was looking good, her complexion was great. Thanks to lots of running and yoga sheís looking slim and trim and healthy. She arrived on time from Texas without any car trouble or any other problems. Sheís already accrued enough vacation time for the wedding and Christmas. But she got chilly. She needed another blanket. And, being a considerate girl, didnít want to wake anyone up with the hall light. And that is how she ended up running face first, at considerable velocity, into the linen cabinet door. Sheís okay. Or better anyway, after a pretty spectacular bloody nose. Itís really only the left side of her face that is affected and weíre all confident that the swelling will go down in three or four days. Which will be one or two days after the wedding. And the wedding pictures. Weíre calling the shiner she got a "smokey eye." Because thatís how we cope around here. We say everything is okay and then hope for the best.

Today we went to get manicures and pedicures. The pedicures were great with the slapping, pinching, hot towels, hot rocks, toe cracking and razor blading. MMMMMMMM. Heaven. Funny how having things done to you which would normally make you consider filing criminal charges are so nice when theyíre done to your feet and legs. We were all so relaxed and happy and enthralled by our beautiful, beautiful toes that we did not notice what was being done to our fingernails. I will not go into detail, but if you imagine that we had been eating marshmallow fluff with our hands you would have a fair idea of the result. We are calling them "glamorous" and "fancy" and "dressy" and every other thing we can think of to call them. We keep peeking at each otherís nails to try and get a better idea of what ours will look like to others.

I will only tell you one other thing about it. I had to buy a bra today. A special bra made for wearing with an evening dress. I know it isnít nice to talk about money, but I spent more on that bra than I have probably spent on all the other bras I have owned in my life combined. Itís a doozy. Maybe itís good enough that my hair will not be the first thing people notice. I donít know. All I do know is that I cannot wait for the wedding (I stocked up on Kleenex) and the reception and my eventual grandchildren. Just canít wait. And when it is all over I am going to have a long snooze and spend a whole day not planning anything. And Iím going to cross my fingers that the brideís sister waits a couple of years or ten to fall in love and get married. Although the second time around will probably be easier.

© Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal
"The Girl Detective's Theory of Everything"

December 18, 2009 Column

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