| |
Red
China Turns U.S.A. Pink by
Maggie Van Ostrand | |
I
disagree with color experts like Susan Wright, Clothing and
Textile Specialist, who claims "To select becoming colors for your wardrobe, you
must consider three very important factors-your skin, your eyes and your hair."
If that's true, then how come everything that comes out of my washing machine
is pink? I hate pink. It’s not only that I look like a rotund salmon in pink,
but who wants that to be the only color in the closet? What if someone dies and
I go to the funeral in pink? What am I, a lawn flamingo? Sure, sure, I know how
important pink is. It’s the color of the elephants we see when tipsy. We can be
tickled pink and feel in the pink. That isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking
about being pinkified against my will. If it isn’t the fault of the United States
Government's Department of the Exterior that all my stuff turned pink, then whose
fault is it?
The question is, should I institute a lawsuit against the
Fed, the World Trade Organization, and the People’s Republic of China on charges
of Subliminal Invasion of My Utility Room? Let me publicly state that I have nothing
against any country that has the Great Wall and the Yangtze River. China’s been
around for over 2,000 years, not an paltry 200 like the U.S.A. Why, the Chinese
invented wheelbarrows, whiskey, matches, kites, iron and steel, parachutes, playing
cards, the suspension bridge, the fishing reel and the favorite game of all the
smarties I know, chess. With an impressive record like that, wouldn’t you think
they could make clothing that’s colorfast? But noooooo, that’s not the case, which
is why practically everything I own is now pink.
I'm embarrased to tell
people the new red shirt I bought turned everything else in the laundry pink,
so I tell them it’s the latest trend called Shanghai Chic. In today's politically
correct America, am I now supposed to identify myself to the census guy as a Pink-American?
Unlike
clothing made in the U.S.A. which has rules requiring colorfast and pre-shrunk
fabrics, we appear to overlook those regulations when it comes to imported fabrics,
though the Fed heatedly denies that. You know how they are. They don't allow child
labor here either, but there are probably Chinese children slaving away on clothing
we have a yen for. That’s probably why the fairy tale, "The Emperor's New Clothes,"
tells us that the Emperor had no clothes on at all. Not only was he unable to
find anything that fit, he probably didn’t look good in pink either.
“Clothing
colors affect apparent body size. Generally, warm, light ... colors make the figure
appear larger...” say the experts. Gee thanks. Like I didn’t have enough weight
problems before? Can't they figure out that it’s not easy being pink day after
day? And that's not the only problem. We’re advised by our own government to wash
everything before wearing it. Not only do these clothes bleed into all the laundry
even in cold water turning everything pink, they shrink to a size more easily
worn by, say, Barbie or Ken.
You want to talk size? For Christmas, I bought
a 6’ tall friend a pair of men’s pajamas made in China, size XL. He told me that
when they were washed, the elastic waistband shrank to about the diameter of his
wedding ring and the new pajamas fit no one in his house except his 6-year-old
son, who still has a crenulated waistline.
It’s no laughing matter after
your new duds have shrunk in the wash and you try to get into them, especially
the ones you pull on over your head. It’s like wearing pantyhose on your face.
Like a Chinese finger puzzle, the more you struggle, the tighter you're trapped.
And
good luck to you trying to find Made in the U.S.A. labels. Best you can hope for
is the deceptive label, "Assembled in the U.S.A." What're we, stupid? Like
we can't figure out stuff is made in China and shipped to the U.S. for "assembling."
The only thing I can come up with to keep my assembled-in-the-U.S.A. pick-up
truck from turning pink and shrinking to a VW when it rains, is to check out the
malls in Shanghai. With any luck, everything there is made in the U.S.A.
Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A
Balloon In Cactus"
February 8, 2010 column
Related
Topics:
Texas | Online
Magazine | Column | |
|
|
