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New
The Widow Tamez, Accidental
Expatriate 5-9-08
Back in the old days of Pirate Island, an island only by definition,
located along the Rio Grande near Ysleta and San Elizario in El Paso
County, Mexico and the U.S. had a boundary by treaty -- the bed of
the Rio Grande. In 1854, the river shifted south, leaving a part of
Mexico on the north side of the River... This brush-covered area became
known as a no-man's land because Mexican lawmen didn't want to cross
the River and be cut off, and Texas lawmen had no legal jurisdiction
there. It was perfect for outlaws from both countries...
Turning into Mom
5-8-08
Most of us remember our moms with affection, or occasionally, dislike.
But we always remember them, even when they're not around any more.
I turned out to be more like my mom than I could ever have expected...
Everybody's Scared of
Something 4-7-08
Comedian Steven Wright, says "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid
of widths." Good thing his audiences don't suffer from Geliophobia,
a fear of laughter. But there are some people who really are afraid
of widths like Oscar-winning actress Kim Basinger. She suffers from
agoraphobia, a fear of open spaces...
Cherokee Bill: Don't Get Him Mad 3-27-08
1876 was a remarkable year for America. Alexander Graham Bell made
the first phone call in Boston, Massachusetts; Custer had his last
stand at Little Bighorn, Montana Territory; and Crawford Goldsby was
born at Fort Concho, Texas. Now this last event may not sound like
such a big deal, until you know that, by the age of 20, Crawford Goldsby,
later known as Cherokee Bill, was one of the most notorious killers
prowling the western frontier...
Stars Shine in Sunny Mexico
3-6-08
Along with many other expatriates living in Mexico, we occasionally
hear of a famous one who lives, or once lived, among us. We know that
Helen Hayes, Erich Fromm and Maurice Evans lived in Cuernavaca, and
Tennessee Williams, D.H.Lawrence and Somerset Maugham lived in Ajijic...
The Best
Pictures Never to Have Won Best Picture 2-21-08
Oscar will be allowed out of his Chicago vault for the annual trip
to Hollywood on February 24th... We can hope our favorite movie will
come away with the big prize, but in the long run, some of the best
pictures ever made did not receive Best Picture Oscars...
Honeybees: Have
They Emigrated to Mexico? 2-14-08
There's been a big U.S. flap over the fact that honeybees seem to
have gone missing. North Americans are becoming alarmed that without
pollination, foods such as...
Annie Rogers and the
Bank Dick 2-3-08
On a sunny afternoon in October 1901 at the bustling Fourth National
Bank of Nashville, Tennessee, Spencer McHenry looked up from his work
and saw a beautiful woman in fashionable and expensive-looking clothes
standing at his teller's window. Smiling fetchingly, she slid a $500
stack of Bank of Montana notes across the marble counter toward him...
Joaquin
Murrieta, Robin Hood or Just Plain Hood? 1-5-08
Everything about Joaquin Murrieta is disputed. He was either the Mexican
Robin Hood or the El Dorado Robin Hood. He was either an infamous
bandito or a Mexican patriot...
Luke Short, The Undertakers'
Friend 12-20-07
December 23rd marks the 117th anniversary of Luke Short's last great
gunfight. It was a shoot out with Charlie Wright at Charlie's gambling
den in Ft. Worth...
A Blue Christmas 12-13-07
In the vast fellowship of Christendom, December 25th is a time to
celebrate the birth of Christ by attending church, singing carols,
and watching "It's A Wonderful Life." The Christmas season is an occasion
for tree-trimming and the giving of gifts to loved ones -- gifts once
symbolic, now spendaholic.
The Christmas Flower 12-3-07
Once upon a time in Mexico, a little boy was walking to church on
Christmas Eve. He wanted to see the Nativity scene. He thought hard
about a gift to bring the Christ child, but had no money to buy one.
"Jesus will understand," thought the little boy stopping to gather
a few bare weedy branches lying at the side of the dusty road, "because
my gift will be given with love."...
Christmas
Shopping With The Sliding U.S. Dollar 11-10-07
This Christmas will really test a person's ability to stretch a dollar,
especially a U.S. dollar, since we've been watching it shrink for
quite awhile now...
Eyewitness 10-31-07
Mr. Epperson, a carpenter by trade, lived at 1601 First Street in
Brownwood Texas, though he wasn't always a carpenter and he didn't
always live in Brownwood. He was once a newsboy and lived in Washington
DC. This does not sound all that memorable except for one fact: He
was selling newspapers at Ford's Theatre on the night of April 14,
1865...
In A Word ... 10-5-07
We have now reached the limit of psychic endurance. The Oxford English
Dictionary, fondly referred to as OED by language devotees, has decided
to suck up to the MTV generation, which can't stand anything that
takes longer than a Paris Hilton jail term, by annihilating the gentle
hyphen. In its sixth edition, OED has done this not only a few times,
but 16,000 times...
Fannie Porter of San Antonio
9-25-07
If even half the legends passed down through generations are true,
the Old West was a riotous and exciting place. Whether heroes or desperadoes,
these legendary people all seem to have either been born in, traveled
through, or fought for the great Republic of Texas. Many books have
been written, movies made, and cities named after these men.
But they didn't fight, shoot, and rustle all the time. They needed
rest. They needed relaxation. They needed love. And Fannie Porter
of San Antonio supplied these diversions. This is her story.
"Yes Virginia,
There Is Another Mexico" 9-12-07
"When I lived in Ajijic fulltime, I saw many things that caused
me to realize how blithely the U.S. media twists the truth. It's even
worse today than it was ten years ago with the lies growing so fast
and furiously, Pinocchio's nose cannot keep up..."
Sally Skull,
the Scariest Siren in Texas 9-1-07
Second only to becoming famous as one of Jack the Ripper's victims
would be gaining celebrity as one of Sally Skull's husbands. A man
would be joining the ranks of a now-defunct exclusive club of five
once-frisky members. Some say Sally didn't always wait to get a divorce,
and perhaps took the easy way out. She killed them...
The
Harrowing Life and Times of Elizabeth Ann Bishop 8-15-07
One of the Texas frontier women who taught the wilderness to quit
howling and behave itself was Elizabeth Ann Bishop. Any time you might
be thinking you're having troubles, no matter if they're small or
very, very big, compare them to the trials and tribulations of Elizabeth
Ann. What she endured is testament to the strength of frontier women...
Lottie Deno:
Queen of the Paste Board Flippers 8-3-07
Cowboys and longhorns, soldiers and forts, Comanche, the buffalo trade,
18 saloons, and an abundance of "soiled doves" were the sights greeting
beautiful Lottie Deno as she rode into Ft. Griffin Flat from Jacksboro,
sitting next to the driver atop the stage coach. To the denizens of
Ft. Griffin Flat, known as "The Toughest Town in Texas," and described
as "one of the wildest... gambling hellholes ever spawned on the frontier,"
this was shocking behavior from an apparently well-bred lady of culture
and refinement... |
Maggie Van
Ostrand Columns
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Columns
Dear
Uncle Sam 7-16-07
The
Fence 7-6-07
Powers
of Texas 6-17-07
The
God Talk 6-4-07
Say
Bartender, Make Mine Tuna on the Rocks
5-25-07
Pet
Loss, or, Have Ashes, Will Travel 5-19-07
The
Fighting 201st 5-11-07
Bad
Mothers 5-11-07
Erotic
Politicians Promote Sex Abstinence Studies 4-26-07
Law
School in a Box 4-13-07
Brando
4-3-07
Blonde
3-27-07
The
Red Carpet 2-18-07
Jack
Bauer 2-16-07
Super
Bowl 2007 2-7-07
Belle
Starr The Bandit Queen 2-1-07
The
Corn is as High as an Elephant's Eye 1-29-07
Bionic
Woman or Jack Bauer 1-23-07
Guilt
1-8-07
New
Year's Resolutions 2007 12-28-06
Deporting
Santa Claus 12-19-06
Christmas
Shopping 12-13-06
Rachael
Bites Into Martha 12-10-06
The
Night the Posse Chased Santa 12-1-06
The
Day After 11-24-06
Fear
of Thanksgiving 11-19-06
Being
Santa 11-10-06
Kim
Stanley: Daughter of Texas 11-4-06
Scarier
Than Halloween 10-31-06
The
Undead 10-10-06
The
Mexican 10-7-06
Friday
the 13th 10-4-06
The
Height of Celebrity 9-28-06
True
Confessions 9-13-06
Women
of the News 9-7-06
Pluto
9-1-06
Strap
Buckner: The Tallest of Tall Texas Tales 8-16-06
Cesar
Millan and Rachael Ray: America's Great Escape Artists 6-20-06
Baby
TV 6-1-06
Be afraid. Be very afraid. There's a new show on Direct TV aimed
at 0-3 year olds...
Katie
Elder: Her True Story 5-26-06
"[Her] background was perhaps more plaid than checkered."
Dying
to Be An American 5-8-06
There's
an easier way to become an American citizen than marching in emotional
parades for immigration rights or studying U.S. history and being
wait-listed for years, or even marrying into it. You can die into
citizenship.
Super
Comic, Super Star, Super Man 4-28-06
Cantinflas
How
My Mexican Relatives Saved the U.S. Economy 4-13-06
The
Art of Listening 4-8-06
Emilio
Fernández, Ten of a Kind
3-23-06
"It was Emilio Fernández who posed nude for the statuette so
zealously sought: the Oscar."
Daddy,
Tell Me A Story 3-14-06
Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes.
Oscar
Moms 3-7-06
Oscar
3-7-06
The
Big Bend Then 2-27-06
Voice
Lift 2-14-06
Don
Churrero
2-2-06
The churro
cannot be "made," it can only be created.
Interview
with Baby New Year 12-28-05
Christmas
Past 12-5-05
"The best Christmas in my family was a broke one."
Thanksgiving
and the Little Table 11-23-05
The
Mallomar
11-10-05
A
History of Mexico in 2000 Words 11-7-05
TV
Corpses at Halloween 10-30-05
Dead
Men Don't Talk, But Dead Women Do 10-22-05
Frida Kahlo, and Her Recipes
Movies
10-10-05
"Transported
to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets
and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
That's a movie review from a Marin County, California, newspaper.
The movie it described was "The Wizard of Oz."
Same
Sex Marriage? 10-1-05
When
Money Talks, Martha Listens 9-19-05
Looking
for Charley 9-12-05
"My
friend Charley is about 45 and he's lived in New Orleans a long
time..."
Paparazzi
8-29-05
"... I've suffered something much more frightening than paparazzi.
I had mamarazzi..."
Three
8-20-05
"...If
you, the intelligent reader, doubt that three is the most important
number of all time, read on..."
Texas:
Into the Future and Into the Past 7-30-05
Where in Texas can you bypass summer's deadly heat, avoid Transylvanian
mosquitoes, and never feel the sting of a bee?
Appearing
Rich 7-9-05
Weirdo
Father of the Year
6-16-05
Shrewd
Mexican Women
6-15-05
What's
In A Name? Plenty.
6-6-05
Barbara
Walters Does Cleopatra 5-15-05
"...
a documented transcript of the Walters-Cleopatra taped interview
as surreptitiously obtained by an imbedded reporter..."
Mexican-American
War of Ought-Five 5-3-05
"...
A group of Mexican citizens calling themselves Los Hombres al Minuto
has volunteered to make their sole quest in life the prevention
of North Americans illegally crossing the border into Mexico."
The
Pig Book 4-20-05
Superman
Is An Illegal, or, Humor and Satire in the Corrido
4-5-05
Peeps
Alert
3-17-05
Fry
Me to the Moon
3-8-05
"Rather
than waiting for a cemetery plot in Mexico, Greece, or the U.S.,
where real estate is at a premium whether you're dead or alive,
people are finding it more practical to be cremated like Thompson
and are creating interesting things to do with cremated remains,
or "cremains," as they're called in the death biz."
Cher,
Au Contraire
3-1-05
Mexican
Beauty: Dolores del Rio 2-16-05
"Sinuous
and sensual, she was widely regarded as the female Rudolph Valentino.
... Precious few other actresses have retained both beauty and stardom
for over fifty professional years."
Well
done, Johnny 1-25-05
"Ernie
Kovacs once said that television was a medium because it was so
rarely well done. When Johnny was on, it was well done."
Harvard
Strangles First Amendment 1-25-05
...
and
what women really want
Ninotchka
1-21-05
New
Year's Resolutions 1-1-05
The
Truth About Rudolph 12-8-04
Las
Posadas 12-1-04
"... Now, it could seem that greed might be casting its shadow
over the story of Bethlehem, except for one very important thing:
Las Posadas is still observed in Mexico...."
Fear
of Hair 11-24-04
Got
Flu? Try A Sock Full of Onions
10-29-04
Scents
and Sensibility
10-15-04
"...
We can trace the artificial scents of today back to those June brides.
Today,about the only thing that smells the same as it always did
is the end of the nozzle at a gas pump...."
The
Pinking of America
9-28-04
Man
Stores
9-1-04
A
Prudent Use of Guilt
8-3-04
Brando
7-19-04
"Quit
following me around. It's getting embarrassing," I said to Marlon
Brando, tilting my nose into the air.
Networking
For The Disinclined 7-12-04
Old
Friends Ask About Mexico 7-11-04
"What's
it like in Mexico?" "Weren't you scared?" and "Don't they kidnap
you there?" In case anyone reading this publication is wondering
the same things, here's what I told my friends ...
Naked
Came The Amarillan
6-26-04
I love
Amarillo ... I never met so many good lookin', boot-wearin', city-shunnin',
plain-talkin', fellas in my entire life as I did a few weeks back
when I visited The Fair And Totally Underrated City of Amarillo
In The County of Potter in the Republic of Texas.
The
Biggest Mistake I Ever Made In Mexico 6-9-04
Stuff
To Do in Small Towns
5-5-04
When
Traveling in Mexico, Leave Your Pantyhose At Home
4-21-04
"Your
money's no good in Mexico."
Mexican
Eye For the Gringo Guy 3-7-04
According
to the show business trade paper, The Hollywood Reporter, "Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy," the megahit TV show whose stars are known
as The Fab Five, will soon have some light-hearted competition from
Comedy Central's "Straight Plan For The Gay Man," whose stars have
already been dubbed The Flab Four...
There's
Something About Mexico
2-20-04
Paradise
El
Taxi, or El Toro? 1-20-04
Hemingway
said there are two types of spectators at a bullfight: those who
identify with the bull, and those who identify with the matador.
The
Roger Miller Las Vegas Pawn Shop Shooting
1-20-04
Roger
Miller 12-27-03
Quotes,
and anecdotes of Roger Miller and friends.
The
Ten Years Are Up.
It's Time to Clean the Refrigerator
11-28-03
Day
of the Dead or Alive 10-21-03
Are
There Terrorists in Our Town? 9-29-03
Within
the pastoral and picture-perfect environs of our little village,
these enemies of the American people are not called terrorists,
they are called squirrels.
Where
did the word "gringo" come from anyway? 9-03
God
and Botox 8-03
What
happens to those wonderful laugh lines when they're shot full of
Botox? How will anyone know we ever had any fun if our faces are
unlined, unlived.
Meant
for Each Other 8-03
Certain
living things are meant for each other, whether it be a caballo
and a canine, or a lady and a lake.
Put
Yourself In Reverse 7-03
"I
am not among those who scream for progress. I want to go backward
in time, not forward. ..."
Mrs.
Baldwin of Missouri Teaches All About Mexico
"I
suggest that, next time the media does a story condemning educational
standards in the United States, they journey to Maryville, Missouri,
and audit Mrs. Baldwin's class."
Josefina,
A Woman of Mexico
"Speaking
of love, not since Lana Turner's fallen lipstick rolled across the
floor stopping at the feet of newly arrived drifter, John Garfield,
in "The Postman Always Rings Twice," have I witnessed anything as
romantic as Josefina's relationship with her husband, Enriquez,
the gardener."
Mextra-Sensory
Perception
"Someone
was playing a Spanish radio station full blast in the car next to
mine as we stopped at a red light in Hollywood California. The cacophony
of Mariachi brass, not a shy sound, bombarded my ears with alacrity.
Before I knew it, there I was, not at Sunset and Vine waiting for
the light to change in the year 2003, but back in Ajijic eight years
ago...."
"The
Trip" - Guanajuato, Mexico
"With
his parents' permission, I took Fernando, my 12-year-old English
student, to Guanajuato..... There's an awful lot to be said for
this Auntie Mame stuff. For instance, imagine my pleasure at learning
Fernando had never been on an elevator in his life? You should've
seen his face as the elevator rose and his stomach fell. ..."
Accommodations
To Die For
Trolling
for Truth
"What
parent in his right mind would give a 6-year-old a hatchet? Probably
not even Lizzie Bordon had a hatchet at that young age. Even if
you could find such a parent, today's hatchets are probably child-proofed
like everything else."
Broken
Berlitz Or English and how she is spoken
An
Evening In Paris With Mom
"Someone
was wearing Evening In Paris perfume the other day. The scent of
it instantly reminded me of Mom; I haven't smelled Evening In Paris
since we lost her, yet its fragrance transported me back to my childhood
and to the Mother's Day when ..."
"Soft-Boiled
Eggs Of Texas"
Nine
Steps To A Happy Life In Mexico
Mexican
Village
The
Day I Photographed Josefina's Family
|
Maggie Van
Ostrand
Maggie
Van Ostrand was almost born and raised in Manhattan, but hey, Queens
is still inside the City line.
She started writing when she was very young, but ran into a barrier
of parental discouragement. She didn't pick up a pen again until they
were both so old, they could no longer argue convincingly without
falling off their walkers.
Queens College remembers Jerry Seinfeld, so surely it will remember
Maggie. Then again, maybe not.
While traveling as a roadie in the music business, she co-wrote "Home
Is Where the Hurt Is" with Grammy- and Tony-winning humorist, Roger
Miller. She was head writer for Mark Goodson's quiz show, "Trivia
Trap," and has ghost-written for television sitcom writers and stand-up
comics.
In 1995, she began a humor column, "A Balloon in Cactus" (aka "The
Buck Starts Here) in the Guadalajara newsmagazine, El Ojo Del Lago,
for which she has twice received their Award for Outstanding Literary
Achievement, 1998 and 2001.
She was honored with Best Feature Article of the Year 2002 by the
popular and highly regarded online newsmagazine, mexconnect.com.
Her proudest achievement was winning the Pullet Surprise from texasescapes.com.
She deserves it.
Readers, who think Maggie has a headstart on eccentricity, cut out
her columns and stick them on their refrigerators. Thanks to loyal
fans submitting these clips to bigtime newspapers (do you know how
expensive it is to mail a refrigerator?), she became a regular contributor
to the Chicago Tribune, and has been published in the Boston Globe,
Newsday, the Philadelphia Inquirer, the Sun-Sentinal, and other major
newspapers and magazines both online and in print.
Maggie has lived in many wonderful towns, her favorites (aside from
New York City, Boston and Chicago) are El Paso, Texas, and Taos, New
Mexico. And she's crazy about Mexico.
Maggie Van Ostrand lives both in Ajijic, Mexico and Pine Mountain,
California, each with a population smaller than Al Pacino.
July,
2003
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