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Christmas
Gifts I Can't Use by
Peary Perry | |
Christmas,
it's finally over. Only 365 more days until it rolls around once more. I can hardly
wait.
Not to give you the impression that I'm a Scrooge or anything, but
the buildup and the hype to get there just isn't worth the trip once you've arrived,
is it? I mean we wade through miles of aisles in many stores to buy things none
of us really need or want. I'm speaking for the adults here, not the kids. Christmas
should be, in my humble opinion, strictly for kids and the needy, not those of
us with lots of stuff who don't need more.
Take for instance, after shave
or men's cologne. I can't use any more. I don't need any more, don't give me any
more. I now have seven bottles lined up by my sink. I estimate that each bottle
is good for 550 sprays. Now that gives me a total inventory of 3,850 sprays which
can be used. Assuming that I was to spray myself twice a day (which I don't) then
I have enough on hand to last me another 5 ½ years. If I get anymore I will probably
die with an excess of after shave inventory. Maybe it's me, but I don't use this
stuff like I did back in the 70's.
Look back at those days, men wore Brut,
English Leather, Aramis, Canoe, Aqua Velva and whatever. Who wears this stuff
today? Is my nose broke or do the young dudes just use stuff that I can't smell?
Back in the disco days, if you got on an elevator at 5 in the afternoon, you didn't
have to look around to see who was headed out for drinks and not going straight
home.
You could smell them.
I generally save stuff I don't wear
or use anymore to bundle together in bags for the homeless guys living under the
bridges. I'm not certain aftershave and cologne would be of much use to them.
Maybe I need to ask.
I remember buying my Mother bottles of some terrible
stuff called 'Evening in Paris'. When I was a kid, they called this stuff 'toilet
water' for one reason or another. All the kids I ran around with thought that
was funny. Of course when you are eleven years old, anything with the word toilet
is funny. Most of the kids in our neighborhood bought the stuff from a hardware
store down the street. Why they carried it, I have no idea. You won't find it
at Home Depot these days. I seem to recall that it came in a big blue bottle and
I was more impressed with quantity than I was quality. I don't recall my mother
actually wearing the stuff, but each year the bottle was empty so I always bought
her another one. I looked on line a minute ago for Evening in Paris and they said
they are bringing it back, first time since 1969. The bottle looks different.
I wonder what it smells like. Not that I'd buy it.
House shoes, don't
need any more. I have plenty. You can't wear them out and I like the one pair
I've gotten used to wearing so I can't see me making any big changes unless one
of the dogs eats up my current pair. Or I step into a big puddle of acid, which
isn't likely either.
Shirts, have plenty, thank you very much. One good
thing about getting older is that you don't have to dress in the latest styles.
In fact, you generally look pretty stupid if you do. I can't imagine guys, with
hair, my age in Church who would wear a Mohawk or a fade. Likewise none of us
are apt to rush out and take advantage of getting our bodies tattooed or pierced
if we got a gift certificate. Not going to happen.
Also, if you are one
of the Americans who are calorically challenged, you have plenty of clothes in
various sizes anyway. You just use whatever fits as you go up or hopefully come
down.
This situation puts all of us in a gift buying dilemma. If you buy
someone something that is too small, then you are giving them a signal to lose
weight. If you buy them something that is too large, then you are saying something
along the lines of …"Here tubby…." Or worse. You might get sued. You probably
will get sued.
I notice that the sales of gift cards are way up over this
time last year. Makes sense. Buy everyone a small piece of plastic, they carry
it around and use it when and wherever they like. You don't even have to get out
of your house to buy them…just order them over the internet. Mail them out to
your kids and family. No need to wrap. No need to drive there for some more turkey
and pie that you don't need to eat. Stay home, rush to the window ever so often,
fling it open and yell out loud…"Bah Humbug."
Resolution to self for coming
year: work on attitude.
Happy New Year…..comments go to www.pearyperry.com
© Peary Perry
Letters
From North America >
December 27, 2006 column
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers
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