Misery - North Dakota by
Point Misery- North Dakota - (4 hours ago)
It was announced today that
the eminent archeologist, Dr. Peary Perry has discovered a new breed of dinosaur.
Speaking from his palatial suite high atop the Motel Six in downtown Point Misery,
Dr. Perry explained that this creature is estimated to be over 400 million years
"Yes, we estimate the creature is over 400 million years old," said
Dr. Perry in a news conference held yesterday morning. "We will have more information
as we unfold this amazing discovery."
Confidential sources within the
organization have told us that Dr. Perry has uncovered a piece of bone approximately
4 and ½ inches in length and weighing almost ¼ of a pound. From this startling
piece of fossil he has determined that it was part of a huge dinosaur weighing
almost 20,000 pounds and was approximately 45 feet long, give or take 35 or so
feet. His research leads him to believe the ancient fossil was carnivorous in
nature and had razor sharp teeth capable of devouring any other creature, which
might have existed at the time. "This amazing creature probably had green scales,
web feet as well as a red tuff structure on its head which was used to communicate
with other of its kind." Dr. Perry elaborated.
Dr. Perry is expected to
apply for a government grant of approximately $17,000,000 to further study his
find as well as build a scale model of what he has named the Perryasaurus. He
also has unveiled plans to build an adjacent theme park in the town of Point Misery
once his funding is completed. Another source has confirmed that the name of the
theme park will be "Dino-World". Several prominent rap artists as well as a convention
of Elvis impersonators have already signed up for the opening performances, which
are expected to be within the next 4-5 years once the funding is in place.
Dr. Perry has retained the services of Dr. John Slipperystick to assist in developing
a sound track of various mating, hunger, fighting and sleeping sounds, which might
have emanated from this creature. The CD will not be sold in stores and will available
for $29.99 plus shipping and handling. If you are among the first 500 to order
this amazing CD collection, you will receive a set of virtually indestructible
kitchen knives for free.
When asked by one reporter at the news conference
how such a creature and it's habits and appearance could be developed from such
a small piece of bone evidence, Dr. Perry appeared to be taken aback and merely
replied…"That's why I'm a doctor and you're not."
Several prominent scientists
from other leading institutions are somewhat skeptical of Dr. Perry and his claims
of success. They see his efforts to generate funding from private sources and
the government as nothing more than grandstanding and attempts to cover his losses
from his financial debacle, which occurred in 2004. As you may recall, Dr. Perry
had announced to the world that he had found a fossilized 'Donut' fish from about
2,500,000 years ago at a depth of over 10,000 feet in the Pacific Ocean. It was
only after the so-called fossil had been examined at The University of California
was it discovered to be a barnacle encrusted Michelin radial tire that had been
thrown overboard. Dr. Perry still contends that he does not owe any of the more
than $5,000,000 given to him for research back to the donors. As he said in his
news conference when the true nature of his discovery was revealed,"It looked
like a donut fish to me. How was I supposed to know?"
Dr. Perry is so certain
his latest discovery will have a major impact on the history of dinosaurs he has
come up with a novel method to make certain donors are protested against any discovery
which might prove his find to less than authentic. At his headquarters, he announced
"If I am proven wrong about this discovery, I will gladly refund 50% of any of
the monies I have taken in to assist me in my exhaustive research efforts."
A source close to the operation that is currently looking for another job, told
me that she felt the bone came from the leg of a cow, which was uncovered when
laborers were digging a sewer line. The camp dog was thought to be responsible
for bringing the find to Dr. Perry.
More on this matter as events unfold.
© Peary Perry
From North America
- April 27, 2006 column
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers