Top Ten Tips
for Dealing with Texas Beaches

1. Plan before you go. For women, acquiring that perfect bathing suit is crucial. Unfortunately, there are only a few great bathing suits remaining this time of the year. These can be found in the toy department of most major stores. Look for “Barbie Accessories”. And, yes, you will see string bikinis on the Texas beaches. Worn mostly by women who resemble Broderick Crawford, and appear to have been kicked out of Weight Watchers meetings for smuggling in doughnuts. The nightmares should go away within a month.
2. Many people think all Texans are rednecks. However, we’re really as hip as our California counterparts. This is especially apparent in the number of piercings you’ll spot along our roaring surf. Belly buttons, normally reserved for the sole purpose of gathering lint from the cheap sweaters your relatives gave you at Christmas, are now adorned with an assortment of jewelry. And, many young men have more pricks on their face than an overweight porcupine with a goiter problem. If you are bothered by people who look as if their face caught on fire and they put it out with an ice pick, I strongly suggest other vacation plans.
3. You will see an overwhelming number of tattoos. Remember when the only person with a tattoo was that burly ex-Marine? His tattoo consisted of something tasteful, like a naked lady planted squarely on his upper arm looking as if it was scratched on with an almost-dry Bic pen. Now, pre-teens have more body “art” than the Louvre. Even silver- haired Texas grandmothers, formally relegated to crocheting in the car, prance around in skimpy bikinis with tattoos that read “ Old Cowgirls don’t have to keep their calves together.” (P.S. Don’t forget to bring that all important nausea medication.)
4. You will eventually have to deal with sand in your swimsuit. It is just a fact of life at the beach. You can prepare your body for that somewhat uncomfortable sensation by placing four 8”X10” pieces of 60-grit sandpaper in your shorts the day before your beach excursion. (It’s also great for exfoliating dead skin around those sensitive areas.)
5. Baggy clothes are the fashion trend for young males at our Texas waters. Baggy swim trunks, baggy jeans, and baggy tee shirts. And the bigger the better. Anything that will contain the youth as well as a four-burner Frigidaire range should be an appropriate fit.
6. You will also notice a number of adolescents cheerfully playing in the surf, building sandcastles, and of course getting into all kinds of mischief. Oh, the hours of wonderment and awe the small tykes bring to a beach setting. However, bringing children to the coast isn’t for everyone. For example, it is not for sane people.
7. Surf fishing can be great fun along the Texas Coast. And knowing what bait the fish are biting is all-important. Asking the locals for the “bait du jour” is a sure-fire way to land that trophy fish. After asking around, you will undoubtedly find that the top two baits are: dried week-old Cheese Whiz and “The gristle off Mamma’s Sunday roast.”
8. Long strolls on the beach are very romantic. And, it is natural to be curious about the more unusual objects found lying lifeless along the water’s edge. Be sure to know the difference between the small Portuguese man-of-war and those certain products formerly only sold in drug stores and gas station vending machines. Don’t touch either.
9. At times, seagulls can be a nuisance. Their caffeine-crazed personalities, as well as their habits of begging and stealing, sometimes make it difficult to enjoy even the simplest dejeuner saveureux. Often, mace or pepper spray will fend off the pesky fowl, however, for the larger, perkier gulls, it is best to just hand over Saturday’s ham sandwich rather than lose one of your precious extremities.
10. Come prepared. At other state beaches people pack sunscreen, refreshing herbal teas, sport drinks, vitamins, and healthy snacks. It seems that Texans keep it simple. A large bottle of Jim Beam or Jack Daniels is all that’s needed. If you have small children, you might want to bring extra cups. If your children are really small, cutting Jim or Jack with some Coke or 7 Up is good parenting and would be the responsible thing to do.

© Keith N. Hatton

June 26, 2004