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TE | Staff

Luke Warm

Luke's full given name was Lucifer, so you can understand his reluctance to use it. The name was not actually "given" by anyone; it was found on the label of his beige silk pajamas. Nothing is known of Luke's biological parents. He simply appeared one noon - strapped into a car seat in the middle of the intersection of US Highways 281 and 36. This was not far from Mankato, Kansas, which, was near (what had once been) the geographic center of the U. S.

Baby Luke was rescued by one Tom Warm of Brady, Texas. Warm, a middle-aged, medium-weight truck driver for Mid-America Van Lines later said that when he looked down into those limpid brown eyes, under the tangled mop of average-length brown hair, he knew that his role in life was to raise this child. He promised to do nothing less than the best he could for little Luke and he has (more or less) kept that promise.

When Little Luke was brought in for a check-up his weight was average for his age and his temperature was 98.6, where it has remained his entire life. The Warms soon moved from Brady to a town somewhere in the Great Plains that wishes to remain anonymous.

Luke was a solid "C" student throughout high school. He became half-interested in Jane Blanding, the girl next door. Jane, who was described by her schoolmates as "you know, like, average" returned Luke's mild interest in kind. The couple dated the average length of time for their peers and were married by a non-denominational clergyman when Luke graduated (Number 50 in his class of 100).

Luke's credo of "moderation in all things" was printed under his photo in the school yearbook, the Status Quo. He was voted "most likely to remain average" by the few classmates that had taken the time to notice him.

Luke's first job was installing reflectors for the Texas highway department. It was a most appropriate job for him, for he literally worked "in the middle of the road," a position he's always found comfortable in his political views. He's still installing reflectors to this day and his job performance is consistently (and predictably) ranked "adequate." Luke someday hopes to retire and move to Central America. In his spare time he writes columns and essays for Texas Escapes on a variety of topics - and tries carefully not to express an opinion.

March 28, 2004
John Troesser

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