Jupiter and Juno:
Together Again for the First Time

Science will soon find out that Jupiter is a loner male. He has to be, because he lolls around all day and night, retains a gutful of gas, has a personality dull as dishwater, and never has a date. His outfit may be trendy and handsome, but he wears it all the time, like that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry goes crazy trying to find out why his new girlfriend wears the same dress 24/7. And another thing: He's always bragging about Callisto. Hasn't anyone told him she's married to Harrison Ford?

Jupiter has always attracted people, but no one knows why. It's certainly not his charisma, since he has none. For one thing, he seems to think his high, thin voice is sexy, but it just sounds like he's been sucking on helium balloons at some kid's birthday party. For another thing, he seems to still be in the closet over his membership in the LGBT community, when anyone can see for himself that he has a Great Red Spot, his G-spot; he can try to hide it, but eventually, it shows up. Besides all that, Jupiter has serious problems with intimacy. He's depressed a lot. So's grandpa, who has about the same amount of gas as Jupiter.

And then, suddenly, with the help of the U.S.A.'s NASA program, sleek, beautiful Juno arrives, and starts to flirt with old Jup by slow-dancing around him, tantalizingly out of reach. She's not quick, because it took her five years to get there, and he assumes she took California's infamous Bullet Train that never was. The thing that makes him balk at her presence isn't just that he can't yet touch her, it's that she's so high maintenance.

The budget to keep her in the style to which she is accustomed, runs into the millions, maybe even billions, and that's more than Donald Trump claims to have as pocket change. Yet, Jupiter opines, she is beautiful, no doubt about that. And tantalizing. She certainly could be one of those mythological Sirens he read about in Greek books, the ones who lured sailors to their death with her irresistible voice.

Or she could be a spy left over from one of those wars they keep having down there on earth, sent to get information about him. This would be unacceptable to Jupiter, who has fiercely guarded his privacy since the beginning of time, and, more importantly, was mentor to J.D. Salinger. He wasn't about to tell anyone anything about himself, not even such a magnificent female as Juno. He's been paranoid about ID theft, since Galileo first started poking around. He has to keep Juno at a distance, or she might find out that he has a problem with intimacy. He knows she's female because she's constantly at him.

Still, just like a male, he's probably thinking "She sure is pretty. I wonder if she'd like to go for a spin."


© Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus" July 9 , 2016 column

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