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When
I was a kid, mom would send me to the store for a quart of milk and
a loaf of bread. Easy enough for me to pick up and bring home. Plenty
of clarity and no decisions. But how do today's moms handle sending
their kid to the store? This morning, at the supermarket, I overheard
a kid about 10 or 11 on his cell phone, obviously checking with his
mom. I could only hear the kid's side of the conversaton but I'm guessing
the mom's is probably close to this :
Kid: What kind of milk do you want, Mom?
Mom: 1%
Kid: 1% what? (reading from labels) Cow? Soy? Coconut? Almond? Rice?
Mom: Cow
Kid: Ok. Cow. Regular? Flavored? Lactose-free?
Mom: Just a quart of regular cow's milk. If the cow gives lactose
with her milk, then it's ok with me.
Kid: Regular cow lactose ok.
Intrigued, I follow the kid down the never-ending bread aisle, and
he calls her again.
Kid: I forget what you wanted.
Mom: A loaf of bread.
Kid: What kind of bread? (kid reads labels into his phone) There's
Rye, Jewish Rye, Extra Sour Jewish Rye, Black, Multi-Grain, White,
Wheat, Sour Dough, Pita, Pumpernickel. What kind do you want?
Mom: Wheat.
Kid: What kind of wheat? Whole Wheat? Whole Grain? Sprouted Grain?
Seven Grain? With or without a touch of molasses? Do you want refined
grains with added fiber? Do you want unbleached enriched flour?
Mom: No refined grains with added fiber. No unbleached enriched flour.
The first ingredient has to be 100% whole wheat.
Kid: 100% whole wheat. Got it. Gluten-free?
Mom: Oh for God's sake. Just get a bag of bagels.
Then I saw the poor kid heading for the toothpaste section, and figured
he'd be on the phone for the rest of the day.
The motto of the story is: Tell your kid if he'll give up his cell
phone and learn to read a handwritten list, you'll let him shave the
dog.
© Maggie
Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
September
17, 2014 column
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