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Talking
to someone who has just lost a loved one is never easy. In fact, many
people avoid the situation by staying away or sending a generic card.
They are afraid of saying the wrong thing. While there is no one right
way to offer condolences, there are a few mistakes well-meaning people
often make. Learn from others so you don't make the same errors.
Saying "It will get better."
While you know the person won't always feel like they do right now,
telling them so only trivializes their feelings. Instead, you want
them to know it's okay to feel this way. You have no idea how long
it will take for their heart to mend and for them to feel like resuming
life again.
In place of telling someone to cheer up or that they will feel better
in time, you may say something like "I'm here for you if you need
to talk." This lets the person know they don't have to pretend to
feel better if they don't.
Trying to cheer them up
Everyone moves through the stages of grief at their own pace, and
you can't hurry it along. If the person is feeling sad, they don't
necessarily want you trying to make the smile or laugh. They may not
be ready to move forward with their daily lives because it feels like
they are leaving the deceased person behind.
You don't want to avoid talking about the person who passed away because
it may actually make them feel better. Hearing stories about that
person from your point of view may be the healing they need. And you
might be surprised to find it does cheer them up. While you may not
enjoy talking about sad things, forcing conversation on superficial
topics because they are happy or neutral won't ease the person's pain
or make them forget about their loved one.
Pretending nothing has changed
Many people feel awkward talking to the loved one of someone who died.
They aren't sure what to say, and so they try to avoid any mention
of the person. They will talk about the weather, what's going on at
work or other normal stuff. While this may be helpful, don't purposefully
avoid talking about the person who died.
The family member knows they are gone, and they will feel the silence
as you struggle to avoid mentioning the person. Instead, mention them
as it feels normal. Talking about the person is one way the loved
one has of keeping their memory alive. Don't be afraid to talk about
serious and sad subjects. Ignoring them won't make them go away, and
the discussion can help the person deal with their emotions.
Knowing
the right thing to say can be difficult, but knowing what not to say
can be even harder. Just know that if your heart is in the right place,
the person will understand what you can't find the words to say. Your
presence means more than any words, so don't avoid interaction with
the family just because you aren't sure what you should say to them.
© Suzie Kolber
May 19,
2017 column |
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