parents (including my wife and I) are currently in the process of
moving their precious partly-grown child-people (and some of their
credit cards) to institutions of higher education for the first
time so that these students can gain vital professional knowledge
and skills, including how to get those pad thingies back into sports
bras correctly when they come out of the dryer.
Based on my vast lack of expertise, other than my own college experience
back in the 1990's when it was cool to dress like a disheveled version
of the Brawny paper towel dude, I have a few tips to help incoming
college freshpersons (especially my eldest and most expensive daughter)
adapt to spending their parents' money away from home.
Before embarking on this new adventure, college students need to
secure a few key items, including an industrial strength toilet
brush and plunger set. Because typical college students consume
a steady diet of pizza, Kraft macaroni and cheese, and microwaved
nachos, the plunger is sure to be put to regular use. And although
the toilet brush is unlikely ever to be employed for its intended
purpose, it makes a handy back scratcher during extended potty/cell
Once college students are settled in, they should try to get to
know their professors on the rare occasions when said students actually
attend class. In fact, it's advisable for students to visit the
professor during office hours when the professor is probably bored
and watching reruns of "Little House on the Prairie" on Amazon Prime.
During these meetings, students have a chance to distinguish themselves
through small gestures of kindness, like offering to hose off the
professor's electric vehicles-or children. And if students want
to make an especially positive impression, they could volunteer
to give the professor's cat its pills. When the professor is averaging
grades at the end of the semester, it couldn't hurt to be recognized
as the student who risked a thorough eyeball clawing so Miss Whiskers
could be worm-free.
Because the weekly grind of sleeping through classes and starting
the weekend on Tuesday afternoon can be extremely stressful for
a college student, it's important to let off some steam every once
in a while. However, any leisure activities must exclude the following
at all costs: sex, drugs, facial tattoos, sex, drinking, public
nudity, sex, watching "Outer Banks," dressing up like stuffed animals,
sex and sex. Other than these strictly prohibited activities, enjoy!
One worthwhile extra-curricular pursuit that I've strongly recommended
to my daughter is regular church attendance. Let's say she's invited
to an "Animal House"-style toga party by a young man who needs a
good kick in the baptistry. As an alternative, she should go down
to the local First Church of the Immaculate Covered Dish for Sunday
services, throw on a choir robe, and have a party near the pulpit.
I've assured her that plenty of cool and interesting guys will be
there, including the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Despite my words of advice and all of the preparations we've made,
I must admit that I'm still a little nervous about sending our daughter
off to college. She'll face lots of challenges as she decides how
to most efficiently squander our life savings.
Seriously, though, at least her mother and I can find comfort in
knowing that she's well-equipped for college life with a high-quality
toilet brush and plunger set.