TexasEscapes.com HOME Welcome to Texas Escapes
A magazine written by Texas
 
New   |   Texas Towns   |   Ghost Towns   |   Counties   |   Trips   |   Features   |   Columns   |   Architecture   |   Images   |   Archives   |   Site Map



Texas | Columns | "Quips and Salsa"

A Date at DFW

by Jase Graves
Jase Graves
Whenever I'm invited by my employer to go on an out-of-state trip for a conference, I always feel privileged and rewarded. Then I arrive at the airport. My most recent excursion into the inconvenience and discomfort that can only be administered by an airport was for a conference in beautiful Denver, Colorado, but first I had to make it out of DFW alive and sane. (One out of two ain't bad, I guess.)

The first hurdle to jump was the dreaded TSA. Going through TSA security is like going on an awkward date. It has the potential for excitement, but often results in partial disrobing, someone going through your personal business, more physical contact than you would like, and a rush at the end to get the humiliation over with.

Once I had collected myself from being violated in the name of homeland security, I began to do what I always do when I want to change the subject-look for something to eat. My goal that morning was to find those precious breakfast time gifts from God, a Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit and a large Diet Dr. Pepper (because I'm all about starting the day with a healthy and organic meal). After roaming the concourse for what seemed like an eternity and not finding a single red letter "C" adorned with chicken parts, I resorted to the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit from Wendy's, an unspeakable abomination that reminded me of something your mother might make after telling you she could prepare one just like Chick-fil-A, and at a fraction of the cost. I ate the whole thing-out of spite. Wendy's also apparently has something against the world's most perfect soft drink, so instead of Diet Dr. Pepper, I drowned my disappointment in a substandard Coke Zero. I don't know who Wendy is, but she should be ashamed of herself.

I always try (and fail) to schedule my airport dining so that I can avoid using the airplane toilet, which feels like trying to go to the bathroom stuffed in a high school locker while handcuffed and spinning a log in a lumberjack competition. However, true to form, my plane was delayed for over two hours, so my timing was completely thrown off. After waiting an entire thirty minutes after the chicken biscuit debacle, I was forced to order another large Coke Zero and a chicken salad sandwich from a food stall with a French name that ended in something that sounded like "Blech." Like most chicken salad sandwiches, this one tasted like a wet napkin nestled between two paper towels. Oh, and there were some raisins in there somewhere.

After our first flight delay due to the airline's inability to find any flight attendants who wanted to go to Denver, we were then told that the plane had a maintenance issue involving a de-icing valve. This meant we would sit for another hour in the gate waiting area that smelled like a bath towel used to dry a wooly mammoth while the maintenance technicians rounded up a tube of Gorilla Glue and a new de-icing valve from the local Auto-Zone.

Not only would this deter me from waiting until I arrived in Denver to use the restroom at my hotel, but I would be forced to risk my personal hygiene in the repulsive airport men's room. When I finally found a stall that didn't look like the aftermath of a cattle auction, I immediately lunged for the toilet seat covers. Making these work was harder than I thought, especially on an automatically flushing toilet, and after wasting about 15, I gave up and resorted to lining the seat with exactly 5,000 sheets of toilet paper to give the legions of bacteria more comfortable accommodations.

As always, the timing of my restroom visit couldn't have been more perfect. While I was depleting a month's supply of paper products in the men's room, my flight gate changed, and boarding began immediately, which placed me at the end of the line, an ominous way to start my actual flight-but that's a whole other story.

Despite these problems, I truly enjoyed my time in Denver. In fact, I had so much fun, I completely forgot about the first leg of my trip-until I entered the airport for my return flight. Suddenly, I realized I was starving, I needed to go to the bathroom, and the TSA were looking impatient and cranky as they snapped on some fresh rubber gloves.

I knew I should have sent them some flowers first.



© Jase Graves
"Quips and Salsa" January 16, 2017 column

More Columns

Jase Grave's "Quips and Salsa" columns
Humor


  • Christmas Crackers 12-15-17
  • Lost at Lost Pines 11-15-17
  • The S'more the Merrier 10-15-17
  • Drive-by Safari 9-16-17
  • Buc-ee's for Beginners 8-15-17

    more »

  • Related Topics:
    Food
    Texas Trips | Texas Towns | Texas Counties

    Jase Grave's "Quips and Salsa" columns
    Humor


  • Christmas Crackers 12-15-17
  • Lost at Lost Pines 11-15-17
  • The S'more the Merrier 10-15-17
  • Drive-by Safari 9-16-17
  • Buc-ee's for Beginners 8-15-17

    more »

  •  

     


    Texas Escapes Online Magazine »   Archive Issues » Go to Home Page »
    TEXAS TOWNS & COUNTIES TEXAS LANDMARKS & IMAGES TEXAS HISTORY & CULTURE TEXAS OUTDOORS MORE
    Texas Counties
    Texas Towns A-Z
    Texas Ghost Towns

    TEXAS REGIONS:
    Central Texas North
    Central Texas South
    Texas Gulf Coast
    Texas Panhandle
    Texas Hill Country
    East Texas
    South Texas
    West Texas

    Courthouses
    Jails
    Churches
    Schoolhouses
    Bridges
    Theaters
    Depots
    Rooms with a Past
    Monuments
    Statues

    Gas Stations
    Post Offices
    Museums
    Water Towers
    Grain Elevators
    Lodges
    Stores
    Banks

    Vintage Photos
    Historic Trees
    Cemeteries
    Old Neon
    Ghost Signs
    Signs
    Murals
    Gargoyles
    Pitted Dates
    Cornerstones
    Then & Now

    Columns: History/Opinion
    Texas History
    Small Town Sagas
    Black History
    WWII
    Texas Centennial
    Ghosts
    People
    Animals
    Food
    Music
    Art

    Books
    Texas Railroads

    Texas Trips
    Texas Drives
    Texas State Parks
    Texas Rivers
    Texas Lakes
    Texas Forts
    Texas Trails
    Texas Maps
    USA
    MEXICO
    HOTELS

    Site Map
    About Us
    Privacy Statement
    Disclaimer
    Contributors
    Staff
    Contact Us

     
    Website Content Copyright Texas Escapes LLC. All Rights Reserved